Drinking and me have become a staple....or some bullshit...
But if you only knew....
( You wouldn't belive it...)
but here goes anyway.....
It's hard to say why I drink or smoke....( or why people in genreal do things there not suppost to do....)
Here's just some of what I've been thru and
this is by no means a excuse...or the whole story....but...
I grew up around a family that drank...my Father,Mother,Grandmother,Uncles,ect.
( Same with smoking )....Grandmother,all my Uncles,my Fathers;Father.
All these people were around me everyday...Until my Father pasted away...
( I didn't really smoke heavy until I got a job at a carryout, ( a great job that promotes smoking and drinking by the way. )
..." Just what I needed."
Anyway...
For me there is a empty feeling that comes over me...and it's heavy...
Thinking back....I really didn't start feeling this way till my Father pasted away....and I have no freinds or past friends or pasted girlfriends....that has known how that feels to lose a parent...or have someone die in their Close Family.
Their family's are all alive.....( and not to be mean...but )
"Love's Gonna Get'cha" - B.D.P.
And maybe one day others will feel or know how it feels.....
Not until recent has (the girlfriend I have now), just experience the loss of her Father...
But that's not all I lost....
While living in Portsmouth....in a 10 year span....
The only Family I knew died around me...
My Grandpa - Roland Dutch Nast -
My Grandma - Lena Marie Nast
My Father - Warren Nast - (Born) Sept. /21/1932 - (Died) May/19/1989
My 1st Uncle - James Roland Seeley
My 2nd Uncle - Gary Richard Seeley - (Born) Dec/21/1943
My Pet dog - Bridget
My Grandmother - Marie Elibeth Seeley (Born) Dec./28/1914 ( Bee )
My Aunt - Veda Myrna Margello
_________part two____________
When my Father pasted away..,
( We never even seen it coming...it just hit like a ocean wave....at least that's the way it hit me... ) I knew my Dad was sick...but I never thought he'd die.
And no one said a thing about he might die...
So I had no idea.
We( me and my Mother )
had no money...I was still going to High School...My Mothertook care of my Father...and was a house wife...Which is/was hard work...
I had to get a job and bring in some money...while my Mother went back to school to recive her Nurses Aid license...( Which she had been when I was younger..)
Eventually time caught up with me and I couldn't seem to goto School and Work at the same time...I helped open a Rally's store and the I got night shift...and couldn't complain. ( We needed money to pay rent,bills,food,...ect. )
I had to quit school...in my last year of High School...and WORK....( Which everyone, Friends and rest of the Family, looked down on ) Not knowing what I had to do for me and my Mother... to live....
Thus intern, made me feel like shit.....
That's when I started drinking...slow at 1st...just like anything...it gained momentum...took over me and became a way of letting go...
Not feeling the pain anymore. Not thinking about things...in the past...
Which I could not really explain to others...
"This is a vicious cycle, that never seems to end."
My Mother got cancer and didn't even smoke...
I lost my ex-Girlfriend
(the only woman I ever really loved)
basiclly because she couldn't understand...and she belived other people instead of me...She just wanted to hurry up and get married ect.
She couldn't wait or take me no more...
This story is long and I'm sick of thinking/writing about it....
Funny...that's all I seem to do and can't seem to stop thinking about.
I say to myself " Where is everyone at..."
"There's no one here anymore to talk to..or that really knows me...."
I don't make friends easy...because it's hard for me to trust someone....
I guess maybe I think they'll leave me to...
( maybe that's the reason??? )
( I feel like if I sat down and tried to say everything...it just wouldn't come out right...and or to long no one wants to hear this sad shit anyway..
and I don't have the money for a shrink.)
So.......how do you move on anyway???????
I'm o.k. for a couple days...a week... a month....but I always break down and return to the sad state of dis-repair....
And the lost feeling that haunts my soul.
