Rodney Dangerfield's One Liners:
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for?
He said.......Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase.... the handle came off.
....... I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he
pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents.
I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them?
He said.... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can
hide.
On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different... when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look
in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?
He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over
and said.
Look ... twins!
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
